Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a missed call at 3 am and I just now called it back. It was Jake from StateFarm

   "That comes to $13" "how's this for payment?" *rubs chest sensually* "sir ur body's not legal tender" "why not? i'm legal… and i'm tender"

   We have some people struggling with obesity problems, while others are struggling with poverty and starvation. Sh*t like this is why Jesus is not coming back during our lifetime until we get our act together.

   Facebook keeps offering to find my friends for me. Good luck, Facebook! See if you can find my dad while you're at it.

   What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.

   Hate yourself, leave the rest of us alone.

   Never really had the time to lick girl's faces to know my taste in women.

   Recipes are stupid. What the hell is 2 parts of water?

   Apparently it isn’t chivalry if you’re in the ladies’ washrooms and you open doors to the stalls for them.

   Making love is just a fancy way of saying missionary.

   If you're going to get all religious on me, I will post college pictures of you drunk...

   Paula Dean will be on The Today Show on Wednesday to talk about her scandal and she will share her new recipes of food coverings for your foot before you stick it into your mouth.

   That uneasy moment when you cant remember if you like her, miss her, hate her, love her, if you know her...

   What's this g-mail? I just got used to e-mail. And why did they skip f-mail?

   Wondering how much I owe Columbia House on those Use your illusion tapes :/

   I hope all you Heat fans are enjoying this weather! This is what you wanted.

   used to go to random weddings back in the day just to put a picture of his junk on every disposable camera.

   1965-2008: Minorities should be able to vote. 2008, 2012: Black guy elected president. 2013: Let’s rethink that voting rights thing...

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the racoons and squirrels that it can be done.

   I decided to see how I looked with a beard. I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me.