Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope Stanley doesn't get mad when the Bruins take his cup again.

   Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away...

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   If on Father's day you don't post a picture of your dad carrying you as a baby, I'm not sure you really "love" him.

   Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.

   I'm a grown ass man. I don't play childish games. School was over for me a long time ago. Be honest, be true or be gone.

   I'm not shy around women. I'm realistic.

   Damn girl are you the new Superman movie? Cause I have no interest in seeing you.

   I'm here to kick ass and mispronounce names.

   have you ever stood in front of the mirror and said to yourself "who the hell is this person? and then suddenly realize you're standing in front of a coffee shop window staring at a cop...

   "We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight around here." - Corporate ants.

   what if aliens have already invaded and once they take over your body, they force you to take pictures of yourself doing the duckface and post in on Facebook...

   Religion is like tequila; relatively harmless, but excessive quantities will make you do stupid things.

   "Bailiff! Why is this evidence covered in chocolate pudding?" Because, your honor, *smiles* The proof is in the- "Get out of my courtroom."

   You call it "stalking"... I call it "giving you the attention you deserve"...

   Girls that text "kk" instead of "ok" are only like 3 bananas away from burning a cross in somebody's front yard

   Remember: 'Stressed' is just 'Desserts' spelt backwards.

   Ladies... If your going to post "Selfie" pics from the bathroom... Can't you atleast make sure the toliet is not in the picture...

   The NSA says it stopped a Wall Street attack, just not the ginormous ones the bankers perpetrated.

   Of all the people that ignore me... you're my favorite.