Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DAD: "Son go back to bed. Monsters arent real" SON: "But dad I'm scared. And what are you wearin?" DAD: "Just armor to protect me from aliens. Aliens are real son"

   I can’t express to you in words how much I love you and that’s why I’m at your house setting up candles and sharpening your knives.

   There are no masters or servants in the grave, just The Dead.

   Cinco De Mayo is just a remind a bunch of Mexicans kicked the French's behind in 1862!

   why dont the makers of bath tubs make them with slip proof grip

   I don't know what the big deal is about Cinco De Mayo, Heck my Grandma can beat the French

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   I knew a girl once who though she was a tease! But she wasn't good looking enough so she was just annoying !

   I'm gonna fill a piñata with actual animal guts ! That's what I call a surprise party kids !

   I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.

   I was walking down the street and saw a ugly pregnant lady and I though ... Good for you !

   Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?

   When I'm bored I like to put on my red polo shirt and khakis, then storm into the nearest Target and quit.

   I would've never gotten married if I'd known there would be chores.

   Taylor Swift should write a song called "maybe I'm the problem"

   Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.

   maybe vodka is addicted to ME

   Top tip: Cereal is less fattening if you don't butter it.

   When a woman says "I have my reasons". What she really means is "I don't need a reason I'm a woman".

   Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person is typing... Person says: hi