Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   very suspicious. didn't x-mas heppen about this time last year?

   Hey I found your nose, it was in my business again..

   Sick of spilling alcohol on your clothes? Drink naked....you'll end up that way eventually

   Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

   every year, I realize how stupid I was the year before.

   Wiping makeup off of your shoes after a long day of kicking sluts in the face.

   Don't be upset that your dreams didn't come true, just be glad your nightmares didn't.

   I was drunk when I had my picture taken for my drivers license. That way, when the police pulls me over, I don't have to worry.

   Do slutty girls say, "that what I said" jokes?

   I love photos because they never change EVEN when the person in it changes.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching... my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   you know, even black out drunk I can always remember where I should of stopped drinking.

   You remind me of my big toe.. Why?..cause I'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table...

   If Prince Charming should show up, tell him I'll be at the bar waiting.

   Alcohol is not the answer. IT JUST MAKES YOU forget the question.

   Fellas: Always look for girls that arrive to the bar in a cab, they're the ones that are planning on getting wasted and wild that night.

   saw a nun in a wheelchair and all I could think.. Virgin Mobile.

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here..

   You know it's time to break-up when the little things start to piss you off: "Damn girl, do you HAVE to close your eyes every time you blink? F*ck this sh!t, I'M OUT!!"

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.