Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   opening a gym called Resolutions in January. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Just because it was funny last year, does not make it funny this year for you!

   no matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

   life is sooooooo much funnier when you have a dirty mind

   nobody is going to give you a $100 gift card just for liking their business on Facebook. If your that dumb you shouldn't be on the internet to start with.

   I realize there are better things in this world than beer...but beer makes up for the fact that I don't have any of them.

   If your happy and you know it share your meds, if your happy........

   mix in some vodka and call it a meal

   I was stopped 4 speeding! The officer got out of her car, Said to me"'I been waiting 4u all day''.I replied "Got here as fast as I can". she laugh and let me go!

   "I wasn't that drunk." ... "Dude you destroyed my moms garden while yelling, "F**K farmville!"

   Facebook just suggested I be friends with my ex. I marked it 'Offensive

   Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn't spell out, “The rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.

   Dude, quit posting your stupid Tebow crap.

   Damn you Migasjoe and your BookOfTebow!

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   Don't be unhappy if your dreams never come true -- just be thankful your nightmares don't.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one!!

   It wasn't my fault I got drunk!!! I was thirsty ;) x

   I am more bored than an Easter Bunny in December.

   if her rims are worth more than her car, she's too hood for you bro