Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wrong mac miller that died ya big dummy you got a computer research it

   ‎1) Go to Google 2) Type : mov0001.swf 3) Click on the first link

   Her: Leg or breast? Me: You know I'm an Breast man. Her: Sir, this is KFC.

   It wasn't funny. :( I pooped my pants. Okay, so I exaggerated. But I was startled.

   When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   Love is not always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes it is thunder and lightning.

   When life gives you lemon, just add vodka and stop whining.

   The Philadelphia man that bought a $4.00 painting but inside is a $2.5 million dollar worth Declaration of Independence document. Ok the song Philadelphia Freedom comes to mind

   If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would get eaten about halfway thru updating my facebook status about it.

   Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Never apologize for your impeccable taste and high standards.

   Sometimes I wish to hear words from you that I used to hear when we started dating.

   If you're not working on trying to be mine, then you shouldn't be worrying about who's consuming my spare time.

   My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.

   Remember when someone would say "Get off the phone so I can use the internet" ?

   Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

   Cellphones have made hide and seek meaningless now.

   Wondering if the inventor of the remote was clever or just lazy.

   I wish my grass was Emo, so it would cut itself.

   When I hear a dumb, young, donkey say "I Ain't Scared to go to Jail!" That let's me know he's never been there.