Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.

   Texting: dragging a five minute conversation out for five hours.

   I feel sorry for all the bald horses in the world. Black women only think of themselves.

   I feel like tap dancing… on someone's face with golf shoes on

   When I was her age I was riding a bicycle, not d!ck.

   Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.

   Ladies: During sex, keep your heels on because when it's over he's kicking your a$$ right out.

   Men who cry don't have nut sacks, they have testical purses.

   if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he isn't your prince.

   Clit rings are sexy, as long as her clit isn't the same size as Shaq's big toe

   I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?

   Moral of the story is only cheat with people who have the same relationship status as you. That's how you avoid drama because both of you gotta go home.

   Listen ladies, you know men are not faithful so how bout giving us some tips on how to cheat properly because ya'll the best at it anyway.

   She got a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   Im all about "I" give the rest of the vowels back.

   ...got my new Metallica underwear in the mail today!.. the front reads "The Shortest Straw" and on the rear "Fade to Black"

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   If there's anything better than yelling at squirrels, I'd sure like to know what it is.