Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   know pizza, know peace. no pizza, no peace

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   MY gf says I would look real sexy with a Brazilian ..so I'm off to First choice hope she likes it, and its only ..$17.99.

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   You are living proof God for sure had lazy days.

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   Couples who have been married for a long time start finishing off each other's sentences. The most popular being "Shut up."

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, "Crushed nuts?" " He goes, "No, arthritis."

   Swagging on a million tissue boxes

   Halloween costume idea #27 Ronald McDonald outfit, suit jacket, and Red Wig comb over…Ronald McDonald Trump!

   Just heard Jay-Z's new pro Wall Street remix. If you're having financial problems I feel bad for you son. You're in the 99% but I'm in the one.

   Our Father who art in Saint Louis, Baseball be thy game. Thy will be done, the NL Division will be won, on the field, as well as in the bullpen. Give us this day our bat and our glove, and forgive us our errors, as we forgive those who home-run against us

   She keeps complaining that I always do her with socks on.. I suppose wearing a condom would be better...

   MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger

   My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.

   Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.

   My printer must have been made in Jamaica because it always be jammin, mon.

   i wish my car ran off MONSTER like I do or even trident layers (imagine)..lol