Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   Boyfriend not calling you back? Send a text you're about to cut off all your hair. Ahhhh there he is!

   You put the ID in stupid.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   hey guys!!!!!! A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   movie coming out in 2012: "I still kinda remember what you did that summer"

   if you understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. JJ

   I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

   I think I may be confused...but I'm not sure

   I am aware that I am less than some people perfer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   Cher diddn't lose a daughter, She gained a Ton.

   You can go to church and sing a hymn, you can judge me by the color of my skin, you can live a lie until you die, the one thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside.

   #ThatMomentOfPanic when they realized he was really the son of God

   Some people are wise, Some are just other wise.

   Steve Jobs was the Apple of our i

   Science Schmience. I think they've got it backwards. Birds don't fly south for the winter, they fly north for the summer. Nyah!

   the illness is gone but only from the outside ...