Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i woke up at 8:07 this morning, just so I can say that I consciously experienced the 7th minute of the 8th hour, on the 9th of the 10th, in the '11th year.

   I can remember Oct 8 as if it was yesterday

   That rather unflattering moment when she yells, “give it to me now!” when you have been giving it to her to the best of your ability for the past five minutes.

   You know they are definitely ugly when they have a car on their profile picture.

   If you are going to hate on me for no apparent reason I am going to make it my business to find and give you a reason to hate me.

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   After years of hearing it, for once I would like to be the one saying, “Now get the hell out of my office?”

   to the man who calls wall st protestors hypocritical for using corporate made items, then you must think the slaves were hilarious for using clubs and daggers made by their masters, wearing cotton clothes, and escaping on roads paved for their masters

   The best part of waking up...isBUDLIGHT in your cup!

   Fresh out the shower √ Ice cold beer √ BBQ grill ready √ Sunday NFL Football √ √ √....---> IT'SGO TIME<---

   I hate people that eat like there's no tomorrow and don't get fat.

   Black guy is in the electric chair. They cut his pants at the knee to attach a wire. Head of his d*ck pops out. The guy that pulls the switch starts laughing. The black guy says: Laugh man, but if I was frying YOU, yo's would shrink up too!

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   If you ever see anyone planking in public, nothing is stopping you from dropping a Macho Man "flying elbow" on them.

   Alarm clocks: because every morning should start with a heart attack

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   How can you compare the protestors to slaves?!? slaves were born into a hopeless life, but with hard work and accepting the fact that its not somebody elses job to provide for you. You can become anything!

   thinks it's hilarious that some people see any comparison at all between Wall St protesters freely demonstrating and slavery.

   if a slave was born into a plantation and knew nothing of the outside world, he would not call it hopeless because it's all he knows. perhaps this propagated system of "democracy" is all you know