Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   At the end of the day, I just want to be loved but at the beginning of the day, gotta get rif of this morning wood.

   TO all you women that like to SCREW married men.......Im Available..!!!

   Just joined the support group Hokey pokey Anonymous ..A place to turn yourself around..***

   Summer's Eve announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, & KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   ‎"When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connnected in the great Circle of Life..." You know now that I'm older this circle of life doesn't really seem that balanced... Especially if your the antelope

   On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help to teach us that relationships are complete bullsh!t!

   Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.

   Ever want to smash someones face in with a jar of mayonnaise? I do all the time.

   You don't have to like me, because I'm gonna force you to eventually.

   Facebook looks so boring on the outside. But once you start using it, IT'S LIKE NARNIA BRO!

   I was jammin out at work with my iPod when a coworker walked in smiling at me. I pointed to my ear piece and said "Hoobastank." She frowned at me and said, "Well, it's certainly NOT mine." and stormed out of my office.

   Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I'm feeling great. So it's all good.

   I type so badly that my auto-correct feature has a standard response of "WTF?".