Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Usually, the easiest thing to do is say you are sorry. But there are times when you realise that in the face of what you have done, saying sorry is just so ridiculous.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

   A slut does anything for any man, a freak does anything for her man, and a lady does anything for one man.

   Where did you learn how to whisper? In a damn helicopter? Geeez

   When I breakup with someone, I breakup with their photos, their phone numbers and their memories.

   Dear haters: "Thank you for reminding me that I'm everything that you can never be"

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thins" I was joking.

   A recent independant survey claims that 1 in 10 women wear dirty panties on a regular basis. Not really sure I believe that statistic. Something smells a kinda fishy to me......

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thinks" I was joking.

   Well'p just saw my fb friend count go down a notch... I wonder if it's something I might have said....

   "The world needs fewer judgmental people." - Some stupid idiot person, probably.

   Making love is an art form and there is always some guy who doesn't know how to use his paintbrush. And there is always some girl whose canvas has had one too many brushstrokes.

   Idiot friend : man the economy sucks there no jobs anywhere. ME : I'll give you a job, can you start tomorrow? Idiot friend : man I wish I could but I'm busy all day. Me: so how is Gears of War 3? Idiot friend : Fricking awesome man.

   Virgin: Deeper Hooker: Harder Wife: mmm grey would be a nice color for the ceiling

   Charlie Sheen get $25,000,000 settlement to not work? I did something seriously wrong with my life

   Sorry, I'm not yawning because what you're saying is "boring." I'm merely stretching my mouth before I excercise it when I say "SHUT THE F*** UP!"

   I wish I could get fired and get paid $25 million like Charlie Sheen.

   "When all is said and done" It will be really quiet.

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.