Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope you brought an umbrella..cause it's rainin' cold,hard facts up in here.

   That weird moment when you're talking in class, then your friend stops talking & you see that your teacher is looking right at u

   Boy: "How can I prove that I love you?" Girl: "Stop playing video games”.....Boy: "Get the fu*k out"

   Man: I dont have a condom Girl: Its fine I am ready to be a mom Man: Oh sh*t wait, never mind I found one

   I went to the doctors the other day fearing I mave have gotten an S.T.D., he asked if I used protection....Well obviously, duh...... gloves, ski-mask, dark clothing, chloroform....

   At 3 years we say, ''Mommy I love you." At 10 years we say, ''Mom, whatever." 16 years we say, "My mom is so annoying!" At 18 years we say, "I'm leaving this house." At 25 years we say ''Mom, you were right''. At 30 years we say "'I want to go to Mom's ho

   Some people repeat themselves when they're drunk & some people repeat themselves when they're drunk.

   “Use divorce, Luke.” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   I blame my parents subscription to National Geographic when I was a kid for my preference for black women.

   "what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again" YES

   Rice is good for when you want like, two thousand of something.

   When someone says ¨ I'm so pissed off I can't even think straight anymore¨ does that mean they are having homosexual thoughts?

   Facebook will start charging you for your account. To avoid this, you MUST get NAKED, stand on your dining room table and do the Macarena, all the while singing ”I Will Survive”. Post it on your Facebook wall.

   sometimes I wish life was like golf...id call MULLIGAN on some moments

   The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."

   its football season...detroit lions, cleveland tigers, & chicago bears...oh my

   Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.

   Best friends can stab you in the back and cheaters can stab you in the heart. But it's worse when they share the knife.

   Death smiles at us all, all you can do is smile back.

   There's a difference between "wanting" and "needing" something.