Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never understand why people go out..Get drunk.. And by the end of the night end up putting their faces where people go to the bathroom....It boggles my mind!

   You girls that say diamonds are your best friend, obviously never had a good D!ck

   I always pretend to see the babies in the Ultra-sound.

   MEN: Stop lying about what you do.. WOMEN: Stop lying about what you don't.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   Putting on & taking off skinny jeans should be an Olympic sport.

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   Nobody ever notices what you do at work but they sure as he!! notice when you don't do it.

   Honk if you love a peaceful and quiet drive.

   Q. What causes men to cheat? A. Women

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for Spotted Owl?

   She said describe me in one word. I replied, "MINE"

   I'm so gangster, I don't even send an error report to Microsoft when Internet Explorer unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches.

   You know your in the south when you can get your fried chicken and gas at the same store...

   Love is pain, and anyone who says otherwise is trying to sell you something.

   I'm not into sports, but I'll watch women's beach volleyball if it's on.

   That uneasy moment when you realise Facebook has made more CHANGES than OBAMA.

   just bought a toilet brush, gee that thing hurts so I'll just stick with the toilet paper

   Woke up this morning and turned the T.V. on to find out I now have 3,000,000 channels! I'm not sure who put that satellite on my roof but thanks!