Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sad 60's Self Realization:Most of the people who used to call you a Space Cowboy, a Gangster of Love, and Maurice now call you a Sad Hippie Has-Been.

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. .......Has that woman no shame?

   U know you living with some white roommates when you see more name labels in the fridge than actual food.

   These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   Sadly there comes a day in every Father/Son Relationship where your son asserts himself by simply saying "No thank you" when you say "Pull my finger".

   people who write songs as their status are creeps, they are weirdooooss, they don't know what the hell they're looking for, they don't belong here...

   I care about who wins tonight's GOP Debate about as much as I care about who wins one of those fake wrestling smackdowns. Actually put all the GOP contenders in a cagematch where they can smack each other with folding chairs and I might actually watch it.

   The Press is going on and on about how Beyonce has bared her "Baby Bump".Apparently she was successful in getting f*cked.Big Whoop! All the other members of Destiny's Child got f*cked a long time ago.

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   women dont trust women, why should i???

   FML!.....oh wait not M, I meant Y.....FYL!!! haha, jk

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   Me: Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012? Mayans: Sorry about that...forgot to carry the 1.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   Bazaar Magazine's new cover features Lady Gaga on it without any makeup or crazy wigs on. P Diddy says she needs to change her name like he did. Might I suggest Lady Gag Gag?

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a pill bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.