Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??

   I dont do foreplay before sex...I'm not the type of guy beat around the bush.....

   If I made a clone of myself and made out with myself would it be considered gay or masterbation?

   given up! I have tried , I have fallen too many times and it hurts worse every time. I give up! It's impossible I just can no longer try......to lick my own nuts.

   Blood makes you related. love makes you fam. :)

   Ambercrombie and fitch said they are going to offer to pay the Jersey Shore cast to stop wearing their clothing. Nothing like one group of douchebags telling another group of douchebags to stop dressing like douchebags.

   Penguins can't fly, and I can't fly. therefore I am a penguin

   Irony is not dead. The U.S. Embassy in Kabul wishes the people of Afghanistan a "Happy and Peaceful Independence Day."

   You wanna raise your child with no manners? Fine. But don't be mad when they're mean to my kid, and they come flying through your yard with a black eye because I punted them out of mine.

   It took 1hr 24min to watch 30 Minutes or Less.

   Don't judge a book by its cover except for Facebook.

   Looks can be deceiving, so just turn around and I'll judge you by you booty

   It takes two to tango and a London mob to tangle

   Talk is cheap but liquor is cheaper

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?

   So, I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house. Good luck trying to evict that!

   ...3346,3347,3348,3349- DAMN SHEEP I WISH THEY'D DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!!!! *sigh*...3350,3351,3352...

   Married life has many Ups and Downs... I just wish most of them were between the sheets!

   Don't worry about what people say about you. I mean, my shower saw me naked. Imagine what its telling the toaster?

   Some girls date bad boys because they think they can 'fix them'. Stop it, he is not a broken car and you are not a mechanic.