Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the economy is so bad I saw a walmart CEO shopping at walmart

   Confucius Say; To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

   If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

   Confucius Say: When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

   Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

   Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.

   went from being "in a relationship" to "single." Ahhh I'm FREEE! Time for beer, sports, and p0rn

   Thank God I'm single..I don't have to pretend I give a damn about sports, cars, teenage girls in bikinis or his feelings.

   Games Nursing Staff HATE playing on at a Nursing Home: 5) Ollie, Ollie Ijustpeed 4) Guess what's on My Shoe 3) Here we go Loopty Poo 2)Red Light, Green Light: A Game of Incontinence Care 1) Follow the Leaker

   Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.

   It's not speed that kills you. It's the suddenly coming to a dead stop that does it.

   I Just got outta the dentist office and they were VERY IMPRESSED with my teeth, that they even made me take a couple of head shot photos........... They called them X-Rays, but I knew what they were getting at.

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   The Dominos Pizza Tracker should always end with "Your New Chin, You Fat Piece of Sh!t".

   In California, you can get a medical marijuana prescription for anxiety, insomnia, or wanting your Lean Cuisine to taste like real food.

   organizing a flash mob at my place, Thursday 3pm. Bring lawnmowers.

   you ever noticed flies bother you when you don't have a flyswatter? and then you get the flyswatter and then there's none to be seen? Wth!?!

   If they ever invent a sensor for behind-your-back eye-rolls, I am so screwed.

   Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.