Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   finally a Godfather! But I'm going to let the kid call me God for short

   If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

   Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."

   When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"

   Fellas: No woman will bother going after your heart if all you talk about is how fat your bank account is and how big your d*ck is. You sell what you advertise.

   life can be as sweet as you make it.. kinda like kool-aid.. life is kool-aid..

   Fellas: Your single, immature and still-virgin friends will call you weak, pu$$y whipped, and stupid when you choose to spend quality time with your girl. Just ignore them.

   Ladies: stop getting relationship advice from your bitter, man-hating friend. It's like going to a strip club to find Jesus. She is single for a reason.

   Confucius Says: Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   Gay men don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   If a white person eats a cracker, is that cannibalism?

   When you feel lonely, CHEER UP! Just go to the mirror and say "Sh!t" I'm really so good looking!" You'll overcome your sadness. But don't make it a habit cuz liars go to hell!

   Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

   A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

   To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house