Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In an effort to save the economy the Government will be downsizing the population. Soon it will begin eliminating all the ugly people. My eyes began to water and my heart dropped when I thought of you, hang in there my friend. Be strong.

   My last child support paymen is due tomorrow............I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Why are Adam and Eve always depicted with belly buttons?

   why do frogs make a mass exodus across the road when it rains?

   Body piercing saved your life. -Jesus

   It's always your favorite sins that do you in

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.

   She has a Masters degree in lying but I have a PhD in recognizing bullsh*t.

   There are 25 interesting things you can do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking!

   If you want to talk to me send me a message in my inbox, don't broadcast it on my wall for everyone else to see. Thank you.

   *door knock* Me: who is it?..Him: Rick Ross tha Boss..Me: *runs to kitchen, puts a lock on the fridge and hides the key*

   If you wouldn't say it in person, dont say it online.

   Some people don't realize they lost a good thing until they see the next person enjoying and appreciating it.Then suddenly they want it back.

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning.

   no prison can hold him, but a lot of prisoners will.

   like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams

   Drag my name through the mud and I will still come out clean.

   Some people live one life, then tweet another.