Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was watching my dog lick himself when I though "I'm gonna try that".....He bit me!!!!

   If your girlfriend spend most of her free time watching "Law and Order" "CSI" "The First 48" "Dexter" and "Snapped"...Do yourself a big favor and go buy her flowers...

   Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"

   When our NATION would rather argue about whether or not Bert and Ernie are gay (hand puppets) and not address the fact that we are economical​ly in a disaster!!​ Then I must say enough is enough and we have failed as a leading powerful country!!

   New T.V. show idea... BEER FACTOR. "How many beers do you think it will take to get him/her to eat this bug?"

   I'm putting way too much pressure on my coffee this morning.

   I live by my own rules... that my gf has reviewed, revised and then approved. BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!!!!

   You only live once. Have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, do what you want and don't look back, smile, love somebody. live for the future, not the past. Life is too short to be p!ssed off all the time!

   You don't know how strong you are until you have no other option.

   The more you show the person that you cant live without them, the more reasons you're giving them to take you for granted.

   Fellas: If your woman starts updating her Facebook status right in the middle of having sex with you, it might be a clue that you are not doing her right.

   If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.

   I'm not the jealous type... Unless you stop being infatuated with me. Then I pull you back so I can start ignoring you again.

   Not even my closest friends know me as well as my internet history does.

   When a woman lies to me that she cant have sex with me becoz she is on her period, I tell her, "its a good thing your mouth is not bleeding too"

   I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits.

   People who are, "Just sayin'" should try, "Just shutting the f**k up."

   Whenever I see sad and moody people, I just assume they are not getting the good sex at home, so they taking it out on the world.

   Dear London Rioters: There is a big damn difference between, rioting for Freedom, and rioting for Free Stuff.

   If you can't face the problem, then the problem must be your face.