Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   procrastination personified.

   just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

   I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.

   Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?

   We cant pretend to be strangers when I have seen you naked!

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before

   if you have never given yourself troll hair while taking a bath .. then you probably don't have a soul

   4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas

   i think my Yogurts haunted ...... Paranormal Activia

   Every time I see a female sword swallower I think ...... she use to have a black boyfriend

   why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves!

   I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”

   There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

   And another reason NASCAR sucks....A driver can go the entire season, including "The Chase" portion without winning a race and still with the championship. Lame!

   some days, its not even worth chewing through the restraints.

   Treating the whole world as if it works for you doesn't suggest you're special, it means you're an a$$.