Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   • Where does a woman put perfume? Where she wish to be kissed.

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   Dear Ex, please get out of my head and heart. Sincerely, someone who`s trying to move on.

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   Sometimes I need to hold my girlfriend underwater in order to find her leak then I can throw a vinyl patch on her and go about my business.

   Ever look at your ex while thinking "was I drunk for our whole relationship?

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   FYI - I keep my phone on vibrate & carry it around in my underwear... so an especially big thanks to all who have liked or commented. :)

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   ♥ LOVE always has it`s ``ERRORS`` sometimes we try 2 ``REFRESH`` then realyize it`s best 2 b ``SHUTDOWN`` but the hardest part is 2 ``RESTART`` your life and ``REFORMAT`` your HEART ♥

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   I always wonder when somebody post "gym time" on their wall and people actually like it... does this mean people know you are fat and they "like" that you're finally doing something about it?

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.