Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coffee...Meet your Maker!

   If you invite me to your BBQ and you don't have Southern Comfort then I ain't coming.

   Hey couples who write on each others Facebook walls, NO ONE cares how much you love each other, so cut it out!

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentines Day with explosives.

   engagement ring: a down-payment for alimony

   I dont have a dog, I eat my own homework.

   You should have to apply for a permit before youre allowed to use the Reply All button.

   Tip: Always say the stain on your shirt is from today.

   What has a Klondike bar ever done for me?

   Finally...a woman who can make me smile without taking her clothes off.

   If there is any time to pay attention, it is while typing grandfather clocks into an image search.

   Couples who exchange "sweet nothing" on facebook, stop it, every time you do that I kick a cat.

   Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!

   Couples who exchange "sweet nothings" on facebook, stop it, every time you do that I kick a cat.

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: dont panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, were not that far from you.

   Officer I know I ran that red light but its okay I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Yes I look at the accident after Ive waited in traffic to pass it, its my turn.

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press the share button.

   Ever notice how the most tattooed guy everywhere you go is the one thats always broke?

   why is my imaginary friend SO good at hide and seek?