Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   shocked.. who would have known Kim Kardashian would get a ring before LeBron James!

   My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."

   So a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says, “What is this … a joke?”

   Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

   There are 470 tiles on my church's ceiling.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   The awkward moment when you`re at your friends house and your friend is getting yelled at by the wife so you just stand their and pet the dog.

   My veterinarian is also a taxidermist and has a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back!"

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.

   Why didn't Lebron James go to college? Because he didn't want to show up for the finals.

   Hall way monitors at school..was bad enough..now we have to work these people...sheeesh.!!!!!

   Thinking of moving to Ohio because of ease of spelling the state. Only three letters to remember.

   It's Facebook that made me realize that I 'Like' so many things.

   I hate when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party damnit. I told you my dog is getting married... Geesch~

   Congressman Anthony Weiner just announced he will run for President and has selected Attorney General Eric Holder as his Vice-Presidential running mate. "Weiner-Holder in 2012."

   would like to fill a Pinata full of puke and break it over the collective heads of the Jonas Brothers