Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every American President inherits a sworn duty to protect Israel. Protecting Israel costs money and lives. Losing money and lives while trying to protect Israel can cost an American president his job. Its a viscous circle.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up.

   Looks like we have an idiot on the lose today. Disregards those meaningless statuses.

   You'll never get over me... and you won't be getting under me either!

   10-21-11 is doomsday,Camping has spoken&we all know Camping never errs.well except for '88 being the year of the rapture,&'94 being the year of judgment & rapture, & of 5-21-11 at 6pm being a double date w/judgment&rapture.but other than that he's spot on

   Every morning around this time I start to wonder if I'm the maury type

   sometime you have to take a step back and really look at yourself to help you figure out who you want to be.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   Love means sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams, your hopes and your french fries.

   wonders, If I follow a leprechaun on twitter, would it somehow lead me to a pot gold?

   It's a shame that stupidity can't be converted into a usable energy source.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   Guy's and girls have different ways of cleaning the toilet. girls uses a scrub brush while a guy pisses as hard as he can on the poop stains.

   this guy predicting the apocalypse is camping? Seriously, all this brouhaha caused by one homeless guy?

   Hangover 2 people Hangover 2.

   just heard that Harold Camping is the new front running Republican presidential candidate