Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was really hoping the rapture was coming to take away all the people that believed this rapture was real.

   Forget health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

   was really hoping the rapture would have taken away all the people that believed the rapture was going to take them away.

   Anyone besides me have that totally narcissistic FB friend that post the most mundane things about their life because they think people actually care? Typing this while pooping.

   Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

   Never again will I eat a foot long corn dog at a nude beach.!!!

   The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"

   Atheists - 2 Harold Camping - 0

   Right hook!! Right hook!! Body blow!! Body blow!! Uppercut!! Uppercut!! the last entry in "Glass Joe's" diary....

   That awkward moment when your friends gets in the club and you don't...lol...

   It's perfectly normal and all-American to eat peanut butter off of a steak knife ;) Just be careful!

   The world did not end on the 21st. It was just rebooted. Please be sure your security software is up to date. Run a full scan of your life and remove any malicious files which may be damaging your joy, stealing your hope, or slowing down your blessings. I

   If you need more instructions, please refer to the users manual, or put your hands together, bow your head and contact tech support!

   The number of ways I could care less is astounding!

   wouldn't have to manage her anger if certain people would manage their stupidity.

   When I say I'm fine it doesn't always mean I'm fine, but what it does mean is leave me the hell alone

   I'd f**k your brains out...unfortunately someone beat me to it

   My cup of care \_/ ... ooh look... it's empty..

   Heard that you should carry whiskey with you in case of snakebite. In related news: I just bought a snake.

   Just to let you know, Tequila and Tazers are a bad combo. We will miss you Sparky.