Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am never shocked or surprised when someone I trust and love backstabs or betrays me. Even the Devil was once an angel. Even Judas was once a loyal disciple.

   Every woman has that ONE guy she will never lose feelings for, even if she gets married to another.

   Ladies remember: Being honest and direct doesn't make you a B*tch. It makes you the Realest B*tch no-one dares to mess with.

   was sitting on the bus today opposite a stunning Thai girl, thinking don't get an erection, don't get an erection - but then she did

   My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust" .

   A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas

   Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where you take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends

   There is no app that can show you who is "stalking" your profile, no video of Usama getting shot, no honest politicians and no Easter Bunny. So please quit being so permiscious with your clicker and spreading FTV's (fb transmitted viruses).

   To quarrel with a drunk is to wrong a man who is not there.

   I Googled Fudge recipes last nite. not the rusults I was expecting.

   If Osama Bin Laden had a student loan, we would have found him Sept 12.

   I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't hav

   They don't have an airport. Apparently you have to be driven there

   When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.

   Thinks Women are magic creatures: they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, can make boneless meat ROCK HARD!

   Bin Laden's wife has just changed her FB staus to single

   Does anyone else see the Elephant in the room.. Or is it just me?

   It's so annoying when someone is talking and I'm trying to interrupt

   The Lakers and Celtics out of the playoffs, woo hoo! Go bulls!

   sells toilet paper for a living.... When the world poops he eats.