Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   I am still sitting here completely in Awe of how Samuel L Jackson is going to be portraying Martin Luther King, Jr. I can picture it now, "I had a dream mother f*cker!"

   Does anyone else look at Gadhafi and think of Carlos Santana?

   FYI Nic Cage, If you keep telling police to arrest you, eventually they will do it....Hope the judge throws a book at him, you know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   Nic Cage arrested for domestic abuse. Hope the judge throws a book at him -- y'know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa's watching!!!

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   Can't figure out why people that wave, think that any action they take is permissible? Sure...cut me off, speed up in front of me....but as long as you wave your hand at me...its okay?!?!

   Thank God for the internet! Curse those who search and find out that this is where I've been stealing funny from. Yikes!

   INSTALLING SPRING... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Spring" cannot be l

   What's Strong enough for man, but made for a woman, the back of my hand.....

   can't seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.

   I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.

   Why is it we know we have the right to remain silent... But never do it?

   WARNING, PLEASE READ - I don't usually re-post these but... If someone comes to your front door, and asks you to remove your clothes, and dance in your front yard with your arms in the air.. DO NOT do this, it is a scam!! They just want to see you naked.

   My wifes new nickname is Karma