Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is all bout ass... you're either kissing it, behaving like it, covering it, working it off, or trying to get a piece of it.

   This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much.

   On a scale from 1 to Rebecca Black how is my singing?

   Too often we want what we cant have... but those who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   I have had enough, I am not here for your pleasure any longer, you encourage me to turn you on, just so you can heat me up for a few minutes. So it is over..you are being shut down,,unplugged, concider your fuse blown... God I love turning off the furnace

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   Being hungover is like eating a hot pocket. It starts off well and then you spend the rest of the night in the bathroom wondering how much crap can really come out.

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   Just saw an advertisement for Farmville that said "Sheep breeding is here." Is there something going on in there that I should be concerned about?

   America: Where children are on leashes and pit bulls roam the streets

   Vegeterian- ancient tribal name for man that can't hunt.

   just won the LOTTERY! Not really, just practicing...

   why is it called PMS? Cause mad cow was already taken.

   You can learn al ot from cartoons. He-Man always taught us you can solve problem by using a sword.

   never lied to you much when it really mattered.

   The two most popular smells in the old west...gunsmoke and horse $hit!!!!!