Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a new drinking game at my house. Every time the Democrats call Republicans "extremists" or "radicals" we have to do a shot!!!

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   going to miss Glenn Beck and his rants.. For example "Hemp Growing Marxist fornicators are conspiring with the liberal media to fill the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool with bong water

   To the woman at the supermarket with seven screaming kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your trolley when your head was turned. Remember it's a Vagina NOT a Clown Car

   Since they eat brains, you have nothing to worry about if there is a Zombie Apacalypse.

   Can we go without somebody not whining or being dramatic in a post for at least a minute?! Nope, too late.

   The awkward moment when you realize your whole life has been a lie this whole time

   If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   They done studies you know, 60% of the time it works everytime.

   wondering if anyone else has noticed that the default facebook profile picture for females looks like a silhouette of darth vader

   sweating like a one-legged mule in mating season.

   "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didnâ€

   That awkward feeling you get when you sit down to take a dump and look to your right at the toilet paper dispenser only to see just the cardboard roll.

   I should have a breathalyser attached to my Facebook account to stop me posting under the influence

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups...

   After the 7th text, I wish someone in this house would just call the other person and get the conversation over with. Or at the very least get a less annoying ring-tone announcing your incoming text.

   What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

   They passed a budget last nigt and the Fereral Government STILL shutdown today! Oh wait... its Saturday isn't it?

   No Lady Gaga, ou weren't born that way. We can all see your Adam's Apple. Its sort of gross.