Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow, I am just going to shut down...

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   Our school is attempting to be active in eliminating bullying. I began a conversation with students about the saying, "Sticks and stones make break my bones..." One of my students finished the saying with "but chains and whips excite me!" Wow. Thank you,

   worst pain ever!.... just slipped, did the splits, and ripped my gooch!

   God grant me the serenity to accept that My Kids will always Drive me Crazy; courage to change their evil ways when I can; and wisdom to know When to walk away So I Wont ring Their neck

   wishing he had a million dollars so he could buy you a fur coat, but not a real fur coat . that would cruel.

   Everytime a politician says, "my friends on the other side of the aisle," God kills a kitten.

   Want to see Congress meet the budget deadline? Lion cages with doors set to release at 12AM. Lock all the doors. Watch the cooperation.

   wondering if the White house will have a going out of business sale?

   When the Zombies rise, you will be safe. They like to eat brains, and clearly you do not have any!!!!

   wondering if the goverment shuts down does that mean we will no longer have to pay taxes?t

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas.

   I wonder what would happen if I walked through Sea World with a fishing pole...