Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ■Women are angels, and when someone breaks their wings, they continue to fly…on a broomstick. They're flexible that way. ツ

   I'm feeling a bit scrappy and chivalrous today. kinda like the fox Sir Didymus in The Labyrinth. Where is Ambrosius my trusty steed?..RJ..

   was talking with my neighbor when we saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said "Are you going to help?" I said No, six should be enough.

   Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

   Wonder if the government is going to issue fuel stamps to the needy, I need to be on that program.

   If you can't say anything nice.....we're probably related.

   So Lindsey Lohan wants to go by one name now. I got one for her~~~Defendant

   There's no way I could possibly be lactose intolerrant!! I love B( o )( o )BS!!!

   6.9 is just like 69, but a period got in the way.

   Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   The kids wanted to go somewhere expensive~so I told them to get their piggybanks and we went to the gas station.....they didn't think it was as funny as I did....

   In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   I don't sleep with every woman I meat. Usually, I wait for them to leave before I call it a night...

   you're not drinking alone if there's a mirror in the room right?!

   I wear a lot of axe. But I live in a primarily black neighborhood so around here it's called Ask.

   I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)

   If you make a left turn on backstabbing lane, cut through friendship trust terrace, and hang another left on weasel blvd. You'll find Greg Zafiris

   Lindsey Lohan changed her name to Houdini because he use to make stuff disappear also.