Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   gas is costing me a arm an a leg, if it hit 5 dollars I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to walk.. .

   Girls these days are chasing nuts like squirrels before winter.

   i thought the trick to makeup was to make it look like yout not wearing any and not to look like you shoved your face in a bowl of nacho cheese sauce

   USA Today article: "Coffee, sex and smog can trigger a heart attack, study finds". Besides Bill Lumbergh, who is drinking coffee while having sex???

   The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!

   Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   I heard smartphones play chess, but I've been at this table all day and dude won't even move his pawns.

   I went to the bookstore to buy a 'Where's Waldo' book, but couldn't find one ANYWHERE. Well played, Waldo. Well played, indeed.

   TV's highest paid actor was a crackhead... why the fu*#k am I in school?

   I have a gf? Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie doesn't mean I can't score!!

   If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards it's about a little guy who finds a really cool ring in a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home.

   Jesus take the wheel, I'm updating my status.

   Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

   Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

   There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

   By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

   Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

   If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.