@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages
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not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
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When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.
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Remember the good ol' days when people robbed banks... not the other way around?
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a problem with Kinect for X-Box... if I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.
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Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.
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Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.
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You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.
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it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
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I think that every horoscope should read: "Your day is already a failure... you rely on horoscopes."
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When I was a kid I used to call my house after curfew wait for my mom to answer and say, 'I got it Mom' then hang up and stay out all night.
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Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.
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Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
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surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.
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doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.
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just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.
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Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?
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They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.
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I never know when it will strike... but there comes a moment at work when I've made up my mind that I'm not doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
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If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.
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the best way to get out of a text conversation: "The message could not be delivered. Please try again later. Error 226110."
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