Funny Status Messages

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   I've only been on Facebook new Dating for like 5 minutes and I've already been matched with a hammock, a new pillow top mattress, a Honda Civic and a... oh wait this is Facebook Marketplace

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   I'm tired of girlfriends treating me like a god, as in only call on me when they need something and ignore me the rest of the time.

   You millenials have it so good --- we could only like 6 songs max and had to carve their names in a rock

   Deja boo - the feeling that you've been afraid of this before.

   Chameleon cashiers give the best change

   I'm already a mess. I just need to add some hot to it.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.

   The only thing shocking about people on the red carpet now is when they touch something metal

   I've got an idea for a house flipping show but it's just me watching my kids demolish every room

   Every fad becomes a punchline. We build things up jus to knock them down.

   My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!” This day is looking better already!

   Going viral? That's a GOOD thing now? Where was this internet thing when I was going viral in 80s

   I think my song is "Let It Go" because whenever I mention love, they sing it.

   Watching the hilights of the rockets yesterday and it looked like Harden had his talent stole by the Monstars #spacejam3

   Grading system for students in India: A - Average B - Below average C - Can't have dinner D - Don't come home F - Find a new family