Funny Status Messages

   I WONDER HOW MANY VAMPIRES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY PEOPLE WHO BACKUP JUST USING THEIR MIRRORS.

   I'll gladly insult you to your face. Post your address pu$$y. (Watch... he won't. )

   My name is Gary Koenig and I'm the king of lame comedy!!!

   what do you call a group of humans? an infestation

   The proprietor of this channel has a bad case of ligginma. Ligginma nuts.

   Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.

   Pickleball. As if tennis wasn't g@y enough already.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   Maybe we should start listening to the economists and business leaders, and not the guy who went bankrupt 6 times 😥

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a “Kids Eat Free” promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved

   I hate when I eat my last bite of food, not realizing it was the last bite,then immediately get sad because I wasn't able to mentally prepare myself. 🥓🍕🍔🍲😥

   ?elohssa ruoy tuo eta rehtomdnarg ruoy sa dettun reve uoy evaH ...gineoKyraG ekaf ,yeH

   I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved

   The obesity problem is so bad in the U.S. that the 2 out of 3 people surveyed count as 4 out of 5!

   Does anyone have any cool new ideas for grifting? My net worth is actually a negative number.

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I kept staring at the orange juice carton too long because it said "Concentrate"!

   Grandkids just watched Cujo for the first time. Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later?

   The notion that all these great jobs are gonna fly back to us is complete nonsense. We don't want these low paying manufacturing jobs. And the entire strategy is completely dividing this administration. WTF did I vote for? This is a disaster.