Funny Status Messages

   He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

   Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

   I hate it when people text me: "Call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say, "Text me", and hang up.

   The USA. Trump's 7th bankruptcy.

   why do people spend all day at work talking about going to the bar, then spend all night at the bar talking about work?

   I have been marked safe from being on the Epstein list.

   If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.

   Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   I think people on the road nowadays must know that I have psychic abilities able to read they're minds, especially when they don't use their blinkers.

   If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks... Cost me an arm and a leg!

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...

   It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to have to go on a diet after Christmas.

   I dont like my eyes, they show me things I dont want to see.

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   I had a babysitter and she didnt watch me and I stick a pencil up my nose

   I'm thinking about taking up Meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

   Weed smoking and turkey pulling today. Oops…reverse those verbs. Sorry