Funny Status Messages

   If universal background checks and red flag laws create an insurmountable barrier to you owning a firearm, then you are the person we are worried about

   The best password cracking software is a pissed off ex.

   In honor of Canada Day, I drank some Tim Horton's coffee this morning. But we still don't like your geese.

   Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

   Music is the universal language. Humor is the universal salve.

   Most of you are 10s because of inflation.

   If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the darn snake.

   As a Social Networking Expert, I have evaluated your social media activity and your status updates. My conclusion: You're all crazy.

   My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

   A measles outbreak? Weird. You'd think in this day and age, they'd have invented something to protect against that.

   Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

   The way they're sending civilians into space nowadays is one small step for man one impossible leap for anyone who doesn't have a million dollars who'd like to go.

   When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood..

   Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, do not say dust.

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause...

   i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am I gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

   I think my wife is hallucinating..... She keeps telling me she's seeing other people

   Filled up my Escalade and paid my taxes today. Also, I have a kidney for sale.

   I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

   Probably switching from Verizon. Sent my wife a text saying “I’m your lover forever and I owe you all my affection” and their stupid autocorrect changed it to “I have liver failure and I owe you all my affliction”