Funny Status Messages

   I have the answers to the ethics test if anyone needs them

   Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

   The Mets are moving the fences in to increase home runs they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?"

   I'm already beginning to feel unburdened by what has been.

   Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her "He's busy" and then switch off the cell phone.

   My favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

   Think I have more human interaction with people on Craigslist that I do on social media sites.

   As a sign of respect, I will now be ending all me sentences with the word "Jack". Good for me, Jack!

   If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

   When this pandemic is over I still want some of you to stay away from me.

   By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

   Why did God make Adam before Eve? To give Adam a chance to speak.

   If tariffs are so bad, why does the rest of the world impose them on the U.S.?

   Remain calm. at least we have a great leader now as opposed to sleepy

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. "If you liked it, then you should’ve put a ring on it"

   did not wake up this morning. I came to.

   For everyone out there struggling with self-worth, just know that there are people out there that care. It sure as hell isn't me, but someone does.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Welcome to Facebook. Please be patient - someone will disagree with you shortly.

   A person who wastes your time is called a clock sucker.