flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   Today we celebrate the man who brought Christianity to Ireland by drinking hard enough forget everything he taught.

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace

   They say men are from mars and women are from Venus, but I'd like to believe men are from earth and women are from earth also.

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   Attention everyone: Jon Bon Jovi isn't dead, just his career

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown

   I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.

   Thinking about buying one of those mattresses I've seen on TV just so I can leave half-full glasses of wine on it.

   Women like wrapping paper because it's like clothing for gifts. And you know how women be liking clothing and gifts

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"

   I like big butts, but unfortunately I do lie. So really, I dont like big butts...Or do I? You'll never know.