flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If you have to ask "You know I'm saying?", you probably didn't make your point very effectively in the first place.

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.

   My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   Just stared in horror at the contents of my son's diaper & asked him why he's doing this to our family.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for a blind man

   If you bite the inside of your mouth by accident, you should be allowed to fire a shotgun at an old bus till you feel better.

   if Charles is in Charge of our days and our nights, who's this God guy people are talking about?

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   Dear Vanilla Ice, how does one rock a mic like a Vandal? By sacking Rome?

   Just saw a guy driving a beat up car with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is a Porsche ." Why isn't he driving that other car then?

   I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change

   On a scale from 1 to 10, how creepy was Slim Goodbody?

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   Happy Ugly Father's day tie, day!

   WARNING: If you forget Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, you may come in early and inadvertently make Monday an hour longer.

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'