Funny Status Messages

   used to arrive fashionably late to parties until he realized it didn't matter because the party only starts when he arrives.

   For Mother's Day I'm getting my mom a camera that will allow her to take less than 45 minutes to take a picture. If they make one...

   the secret to my success was knowing who to blame for my failures...

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!

   A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   Today is Erection Day! Go hard or go home...

   Oh... Okay, not the choice I would have made - but game on! Let's see how bad it can really get... for science!

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   people with children should be allowed to do things while hiding from their children because children are mini terrorists.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?