Funny Status Messages
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I saw a piece of trash blowing in the wind It made me think of you 
Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?
Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!
Did the kid who was voted most likely to succeed back in high school...succeeded yet?
Who loves you more; your wife or your dog? Try this test: Lock both of them in the basement for 24 hours. The next day when you open the door, which one will be happy to see you? There's your answer.
Can we just get the pipeline under the river before it fills with blood
I have all this candy left at our apartment now. This morning, I had a Skittles and Butter Fingers omelet.
Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of PARALLEL lines, who were never meant to meet. Of TANGENT lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of ASYMPTOTIC lines, who could only get closer and closer, but could never be together.
Seen one sneaker in the road agin this week.. How does this happen? Somewhere there is a jogger who get's home look's down at their feet and say's "Not again...I lost another one"
I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".
When you finally meet that girl off snapchat, and she forgot she forgot to bring the dog face filter with her
Russian aviation and maritime hardware...both civilian and military, need a serious modernisation programme. Those nukes themselves must be rotting in those silos and probably present more of a danger to Russian lives than any enemy, real or imagined.
Can someone tell me when Santa is coming? He forgot some of the stuff I asked for
Lady Gaga covered more field than the Patriot
Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.
I was in the elevator.... I pressed number 1. The elevator said with an attitude: "You're going down." F#¥k you Otis
Lord this body has been a good friend, buy I wont need it when I reach the end. Though I know the outcome I'd do it again.
You’re smiling next to me…. In silent stupidity
Looks like they'll be building condos on Sesame Street.
Pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. 