flinnie Funny Status Messages

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   The worries that I bury in my mind continue to pop up like Thriller zombies who can't dance.

   My nagging cough just told me I should be helping out more around the house.

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   Whoopi Goldberg says communism makes great sense. Remember, she thought Sister act was a good idea too.

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I don't think any woman could ever break my heart as much as the prequels to Star Wars did.

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   Never bring a knife to a gunfight. But if you bring one to a tickle fight, you will TOTALLY win.

   Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink.

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   When I become a billionaire I'll still do stuff here. I'll just say, "In your face, peasants!" as I hit submit

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.

   My bark and bite are equally ineffectual

   The worst part about having multiple personalities is eating at a restaurant alone but getting an automatic 20% tip added to the bill.

   My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail.

   Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I'm going as "Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 19th."