flinnie Funny Status Messages

   This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   My doctor told me to take more walks, so this will be my fifth cakewalk this week. I've gained seven pounds.

   We are at DefCon 2. Snow has been forecasted in the area. A whole 1-3 inches. Yes, there is panic.

   I question the marketing department at car dealerships. Does anyone drive by and say "Look balloons! I gotta buy a car!"

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   I don't spank my kid, I find waving the gun works so much better

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   Money talks, and unfortunately mine only can say "goodbye!"

   Cats. Because why should conditional love only come from family?

   If every nerd donated a dollar toward construction of a Millenium Falcon, we'd all be making the Kessel Run by May.

   Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me.

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.