Kisstopher707 Funny Status Messages

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   Fact: You're not a true vegan unless you tell 10 people every day

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.