Drunk people Funny Status Messages

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.

   That moment when you realize that the people you regarded as gods .... turn out to be nothing more than corrupt men.

   People in my office act like they've never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

   Tall people know what's up.

   Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

   People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."

   A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

   I'm looking at the bright side of having 10 people or less over for Thanksgiving. More turkey for me!

   Ya know, people use to come to Facebook to air their dirty laundry...Now they're coming here to air themselves eating laundry pods...The irony!!

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too

   Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.

   Thunderstruck just played at the gym and now I'm drunk on the treadmill...

   This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our ass!

   It is like we are always electing stupid people to be our president but I'm glad we are finally getting rid of Obama

   I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" B!tch, you need to hibernate.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee

   Good Lord .... I find it ironic that the people are claiming that Trump will destroy America ..... While they go out and destroy America.

   You know you were drunk last night when you cooked pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees