@Jimboleem Funny Status Messages

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   I can't believe they've imprisoned Wesley Snipes without first cryogenically preserving Sylvester Stallone

   I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   At my house, it is customary for you to go back to yours as soon as possible.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

   Worst sex I ever had? With a girl that punched me in the face every time she climaxed.Wasn't that that bad until I realized she was faking.

   If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.

   My parole officer heard I joined Facebook, so he came by and removed my house arrest ankle bracelet.... Because, really, where am I going?

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   So much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist

   F*ck your Four Loko. I swallowed my Day-Quil with 5 Hour energy & a latte & now my pet unicorn Steve & I are off to bake cheesecakes.

   Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.