Funny Status Messages
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Oh, there's no plates like foam for the Holidays. 
What has 362 times more germs than a toilet seat? My lucky condom.
I was awoken with oral seggs this morning. Never falling asleep with my mouth open on the train again.
The Angel of Death said, I’ve come for you. The man said, But why? I’m happy, I’m healthy… The Angel said, you left your phone at home unlocked and your wife found it. The man said, alright let’s go then.
I’ve never forgotten my Grandad’s last words to me just before he died. Are you still holding that ladder?
I asked my doctor, do you think I’ll live a long and healthy life? The doctor replied, I doubt it somehow, Mercury is in Uranus right now. I said, I don’t believe in all that astrology crap. He said, neither do I, my thermometer just broke.
What concert only costs 45 cents? Fifty cent featuring Nickleback.
It’s better to poop in the sink, than to sink in the poop.
Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.
If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.
Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.
According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.
Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂
Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.
How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.
A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.
How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂 