Kisstopher Funny Status Messages
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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
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Mind of a Human: "we need to save the Polar Bears" Mind of a Polar Bear: "I can't wait to eat another Human. Those things are damn tasty"
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My dog likes to stand and stare at the front door for no reason because he knows the idea of unexpected visitors freaks me out.
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I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
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The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine.
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Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.
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Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
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Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.
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Okay ladies, here is the deal, we will stop talking about masturbation if you stop talking about your period. Fair trade.
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Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.
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Today is world animal day...let's all take a moment of silence... and remember our Ex's
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My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
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You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.
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Always be thankful for another day of life because you never know when it's gonna be your last.
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I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.
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Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next ? Marriage without sex?
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It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!
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I walk around with a toothpick in my mouth so crimininals know not to mess with me.
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I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.
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According to my khaki shorts, I need to give a couple more shakes after peeing
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